Ways Boba Fett can escape the Sarlacc

Introduction

If anyone knows all the interests I have besides analyzing public policy, one should know the following Juicy Contradiction about me:

I mostly lean drastically more toward pseudo-medieval fantasy than toward science fiction, and yet I’m also very amused by the life stories of the Star Wars character of Boba Fett.

In the Star Wars mythos, he is the guy who looks like this:

bobajedi-1

No, I do not own this image. This image is of a sculpture made by some individual working for a company called “Kotobukiya”. Image here for educational purposes approved by the Fair Use clause of America’s DMCA. Fett himself stands exactly 6 feet tall.

Mr. Fett [the name from here on is to refer to Boba Fett and not to his father Jango], as you can already tell, has numerous gadgets…

…gadgets he could very easily use to escape basically any severely emergent predicament.

Including one like the Sarlaac from Return of the Jedi that takes an entire millennium for its food to go from the mouth down to the stomach. In other words, this fictional species of being takes 1000 years to digest food. We humans here in real life take only two days. This fictional thing takes legit 364,000 days to digest prey!

Just his forearm guards, or vambraces, have many gadgets in them:

  1. The left one has a flame thrower built in
  2. The left one has a built-in missile launcher
  3. The left one has a laser-gun system built in under the missile launcher
  4. The right one has a fiber cord cable dispensary built in
  5. The right one has a poison dart spitter
  6. Both vambraces have foot-long knife blades in them
  7. Both vambraces have sets of tooth-shaped blades for climbing and/or escaping sacs
  8. Both vambraces have syringes that can be sedative or poison

But the gear he can use to escape does not stop there: He also has spring-loaded shoe spikes, two in each of his boots. Each of his shin pockets has a different arsenal of survival tools. His knee guards, or poleyns, can shoot sedative darts as opposed to the poison darts of his right vambrace. He has thigh pouches and hip pouches in which he probably keeps his remote-detonated explosion packs that he can use a remote to blast from a long ways away from his target. Mr. Fett also has an orange, bluish-green, maroon and black jetpack with 360˚ directional silver-color exhaust knobs that can launch silver color rockets at targets. Lastly he has a lightweight black laster-firing sniper rifle capable of being held like a pistol and of firing off very similarly to a real life SR-25 sniper rifle.

What does Mr. Fett needs such items for? Five jobs actually, top to bottom being least to most commonly:

  • Contract Enforcer
  • Bodyguard
  • Battlefield General
  • Hitman
  • Bounty Hunter

So here is the story of how he got in this 364,000-day digestion situation for readers who never watched Return of the Jedi:

He was rounding up prisoners for a client of his as they were escaping this client and one of them was so blind he accidentally knocked Mr. Fett into the Sarlaac thing.

He could end the Sarlaac’s cardio

Mr. Fett could climb his way down to the hear area, using his Range Finder [the antenna thing on his helmet can flip down to be in front of his right eye’s share of the helmet] to detect where the heart is. Then he could jam some of his detonation boxes into the sarlaac heart and detonate them with his detonation remote.

He doesn’t have to destroy the Sarlaac heart this way, though:

  1. He could just heavily poison the heart with his vambraces’ syringe poisons.
  2. He could dig his way into the Sarlaac’s Cardio system and sever the blood vessels contact with the heart
  3. He could pair his range finder with his sniper rifle to figure out without venturing deep into the Sarlaac where the thing’s heart is.
  4. He could dig around for a way to burn the Sarlaac’s cardio with his flame thrower
  5. He could launch his wrist rocket and/or backside rocket into the direction of this monster’s cardio

And he can climb out afterward.

He could target the beast’s brain

Mr. Fett could very easily climb and dig his way to the brain and end the Sarlaac in one of the following ways:

  1. Ram his shoe spikes into the sarlaac brain
  2. Snipe the beast’s brain aiming for the sarlaac’s “Frontal Lobe”
  3. Burn the beast’s frontal lobe with his flame thrower
  4. Poison the sarlaac brain with his vambraces’ syringe pieces
  5. Detonate the beast’s brain with one or more of his remote-detonated boxes
  6. Dig through the beast’s brain into the frontal lobe and then tear it up with his gloved hands

Conclusion

I never thought I would have a post in any topic I discuss with an intro as long as this one has. Basically the point of this post is to debunk the MYTH that claims Mr. Fett is to be slowly digested for 1000 years. That makes absolutely no sense and this is the post true Star Wars fans WILL read to the very first people they hear blindly following that lie. Thank you all,

~TLN

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